Where the Hell Have You Been, Pony Pants?

Hello, friends! You’re probably wondering where the hell I’ve been and are, frankly, a little insulted that I have been largely absent except for the occasional swoop-and-poop on the interwebs.

I have returned to offer a mea maxima culpa and beg for your forgiveness. Not that any of these things are more important than you are, but here’s a peek at what I’ve been up to.

1. I was in a wedding. My bestest friend and the godmother to my little beasts got married, and for some reason she thought it would be a really good idea to have me in her wedding. We’ve been friends for 12 years (we met at birth obviously) and you’d think she would know by now that I am a chronically late train wreck, good only for make-up tips and bringing magnums of Chardonnay. Either she forgot that, or my sparkling personality blinds her to my faults. Thank God there was a type-A maid of honor to carry the team.

2. My husband works too much. Every summer I go through the same thing. My husband’s work kicks up and he has to stay late doing stuff I really don’t get, but I pretend to, so I don’t look like a heartless strumpet. This means I am a single mom, just trying to survive being eaten alive by two demanding kids, luxuriating in the silence their sleep brings. When he is home, I am trying to connect with him, and by connect I mean ravage, because a girl has needs, you know?

3. I quit my job. Sadly, it wasn’t something worthy of a viral video when I did give notice. I know some people burn their bridges and salt the soil where the bridge supports were placed, but I actually liked the people I worked with. Well, most of them because there are always a few who make you want to poke your eyes out with a spoon rather than have to deal with them. Most of the stress came in wrapping everything up in a neat little bow, because obviously the company is going to crumble without me there. At least that’s what my ego thinks.

4. I am writing, or pretending to. I have you fabulous friends, and I contribute to BLUNTmoms (they are also snowed by my sparkling personality). I’m also trying to get my attempts at stringing sentences together published in a few anthologies, and they have deadlines at the end of the month. Seriously, if this doesn’t work out, I’ll be one sad puppy. So, get your tissues ready; I’ll need you guys.

5. There was a great migration of the elderly. My parents decided to retire and bought a house within spitting distance of mine. While it brings great joy (new babysitters!), it also brings stress (um, you want me to put that bookcase where?). Thankfully they are getting settled and only need The Hubs to do some heavy lifting. They can use him and I get a free meal out of it. It’s a big win for everyone. Except for my husband, who may end up in traction.

So, you see, I am simply a victim of circumstance. Or poor planning. Maybe both. Anyway, I am going try to be better about hanging out with y’all cause I love each and every one of you. Except for you, creepy stalker guy.