I Should Not Shop eBay After Wine

I love wine. I love shopping. Together you’d think they would be a match made in heaven. That would be a wrong thought, my friend.

When I have a few glasses of wine, I tend to grab my phone, skim the interwebs, play a few games, and shop on eBay. My husband introduced me to eBay and I am hooked. It’s like shopping without buying anything. I can watch auctions go by and live vicariously through someone else’s purchase of a beautiful Hermes scarf, or I can scope out bargains for my favorite designers.

To date, I have placed bids on Christian Louboutin high heels, and Zara dresses; purchased a Yuengling poster with dogs drinking beer… and… sheer underwear for my husband.

Let me explain before the judging begins.

When I do the laundry, and for the most part, I am the only one who does the laundry, I throw out anything with holes or yellow armpits. This bugs my husband to no end because most of his underwear has holes in it and most of his shirts have yellow pits. Consequently, there are occasions when he is shirtless and going commando. I find this hot, but his co-workers would probably not be as enthused.

Take this knowledge with you to my couch, and sit on it with a fishbowl of white wine. With frozen peaches floating in it. This makes the wine more nutritious because there’s a snack at the end. The vitamin C keeps scurvy away. So, you’re roughly halfway through the box of wine, I mean glass, and your husband mentions the fact that he’s running low on underwear and shooting you a dirty look.

What do you do if you’re me and you tend to shop while drinking wine? You get on eBay and solve this problem with underwear! At this point, my mind gets a little fuzzy. I know I looked at a wide variety of underclothes and put a few on watch. And that’s where I thought it ended. But, nay, nay. Nay, I say.

I woke up the next morning and checked my email. There was one from eBay that proclaimed, “Congratulations! You have won the fabulous piece of crap upon which you bid!” No surprise, I’m paraphrasing here.

My hand to God, I was baffled. What the hell did I buy? Maybe I didn’t buy anything. Maybe I was hacked! I opened the email, and it all came back to me. I had purchased some trunks for my husband. They are like boxer briefs, but a little shorter. AND THEY WERE SHEER!

In my state, I had no clue they were sheer. I just thought they were regular old black underwear. And they weren’t Hanes. They were some random ass brand from China. Yes, China.

Now, here’s another fun fact for you. Did you know that you can get things from China, dirt cheap? Yes! It takes six weeks, but these fabulous goods from another land will wing their way to you in a plain brown envelope. Here is what I received just a few weeks later:

underwear

Did you catch the brand name? Wangjang. Yeah.

The hubs was not pleased, even though the stripper gear did only cost pennies. A few hundred pennies, but pennies none the less.

Then to add insult to injury, he refused to wear them! At least try these bad boys on. It could be funny, it could be sexy. You don’t know until you try it. At least, that’s what I tell the kids about lima beans.

My husband has banned me from eBay, either with or without wine. I don’t blame him. Although, he might forgive me if I get him that 2$ watch from Shanghai.

Advertisements

11 Comments

Filed under Martini Madness

11 responses to “I Should Not Shop eBay After Wine

  1. Atleast you got him boxers. I once made my husband wear big mama panties because somebody forgot to do the laundry. It was ugly. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I regularly steal PF’s socks because I have holes in mine. So her gets holes in his too, and we have to buy more. I’m not a shopping girl, though – much to PF’s relief. The last meeting I had with sales on line nearly ended in disaster – Bigfoot, in all his teenaged wisdom, saw an advert for an iphone at an amazingly low price. MM quickly smelt a rat the size of a hippo and spent the day establishing that there was no phone, but a very well organized rip-off that would have ended up with my money being wired to a bank account to my “family” in deepest darkest Africa. After which, of course, I would have been delivered my “phone”.

    Like

    • I hate those “too good to be true” deals. Like when you get something in the mail claiming you won “a free cruise” or something similar.

      Btw, I regularly steal my husband’s socks too. And sleeping pants. They are just too comfy!

      Like

  3. OHEMGEE!! THIS is awesome! I don’t drink wine, but I do think I shall ebay some sheer boxers for my bf while pretending that my ginger ale is champagne!!!! And then blame it on the “booze”. Yeah! That’s the ticket! I love it!

    Like

  4. Sorry, but I’m laughing so hard at this right now!! The first thing I do in a morning after consuming wine the night before is to check my phone to make sure I didn’t do anything rash-there’s a 50/50 chance with me 🙂 You could always wear the shorts?? Boxers are seriously comfy xx

    Like

  5. Sarah (est. 1975)

    *gasps* *dies*

    I want those underwear for my husband. He tries any shit on like that. I have a picture of him in these super short super tight plaid ones that is f***ing hysterical and also more than a tiny bit hottness.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s