Dear Mom who Fails Miserably at Pinterest,
It’s OK. No one is really able to do any of those crafts. Honestly. You know what the truth is? It’s all staged.
The “no-sew” projects? It’s all a guerrilla marketing ploy by JoAnn Fabrics and Michael’s to lure people in to buy yards of fabric and ribbons that will end up a tangled mess, and you will throw it in the trash while screaming, “I HATE FELT! It’s itchy, and annoying, and stupid. Screw you felt, I’m going home.”
You see this? No one can do this. They are two totally different t-shirts that have been made to look like one had been turned into another. You know how I know? I’ve tried this crap. I’ve tried making new shirts out of the old, and what happens? The sleeves are shredded, and start unraveling the minute you try to fold and twist, just so. Twist and fold, my ass.
And this? I tried it with my husband’s shirt. It MIGHT work if you are 4’9” and your man is 6’4”. When I tried to put the shirt under my armpits, I couldn’t button it. AT ALL. I am not Sheera, Queen of the Hooter People; I am a normal woman, so if I can’t do, ain’t no one able to do it.
How many mop hooks are you going to buy to complete this bright idea? A bagillion? Might as well buy yourself a silver plated spice rack. And who the hell wants their spices in a closet? “I need to season the soup, let me walk halfway across my kitchen to find the bay leaves.” No. I want it in arm’s reach, because if I step away from the stove, I will be distracted by dogs, kids, husband and that soup is going to burn faster than you can say, “stupid mop craft.”
No. Just no. You can’t tell me someone in the world has time to do this, make it look like the picture and not like some crack whore spray painted some spoons and glued them together. Some 19-year-old intern at Home Goods made this to try to sell more mirrors. Because when the average person tries to make this, they will fail, and then need a new mirror. Enter Home Goods, the savior of the Pinterest fails.
Dear, sweet mother, please hear me now. More people fail than not. By the inherent nature of technology, we are sharing EVERYTHING. And people may or may not be telling the truth. People take photos of these projects they have allegedly completed, and we all think they are mother of the year.
These insecure, lying wenches have ruined it for all of us. They are not perfect, and if they are, they are sacrificing quality time with their children to be that way. These expectations are not real, and you do not need to live up to them. You need to be the mom who plays, shouts and loves those babies with all of your might.
You do not need to be perfect; you just need to be a mom, Pinterest fails and all.
A Pinterest Failing Mother