An Open Letter to Failing Pinterest Moms

Dear Mom who Fails Miserably at Pinterest,

It’s OK. No one is really able to do any of those crafts. Honestly. You know what the truth is? It’s all staged.

The “no-sew” projects? It’s all a guerrilla marketing ploy by JoAnn Fabrics and Michael’s to lure people in to buy yards of fabric and ribbons that will end up a tangled mess, and you will throw it in the trash while screaming, “I HATE FELT! It’s itchy, and annoying, and stupid. Screw you felt, I’m going home.”

Image

T-shirt dress? More like cruel hoax.

You see this? No one can do this. They are two totally different t-shirts that have been made to look like one had been turned into another. You know how I know? I’ve tried this crap. I’ve tried making new shirts out of the old, and what happens? The sleeves are shredded, and start unraveling the minute you try to fold and twist, just so. Twist and fold, my ass.

Not going to happen.

Not going to happen.

And this? I tried it with my husband’s shirt. It MIGHT work if you are 4’9” and your man is 6’4”. When I tried to put the shirt under my armpits, I couldn’t button it. AT ALL. I am not Sheera, Queen of the Hooter People; I am a normal woman, so if I can’t do, ain’t no one able to do it.

One, two, three... I'm starting to lose count of how many hooks I need.

One, two, three… I’m starting to lose count of how many hooks I need.

How many mop hooks are you going to buy to complete this bright idea? A bagillion? Might as well buy yourself a silver plated spice rack. And who the hell wants their spices in a closet? “I need to season the soup, let me walk halfway across my kitchen to find the bay leaves.” No. I want it in arm’s reach, because if I step away from the stove, I will be distracted by dogs, kids, husband and that soup is going to burn faster than you can say, “stupid mop craft.”

Spoon plus mirror. No.

Spoon plus mirror. No.

No. Just no. You can’t tell me someone in the world has time to do this, make it look like the picture and not like some crack whore spray painted some spoons and glued them together. Some 19-year-old intern at Home Goods made this to try to sell more mirrors. Because when the average person tries to make this, they will fail, and then need a new mirror. Enter Home Goods, the savior of the Pinterest fails.

Dear, sweet mother, please hear me now. More people fail than not. By the inherent nature of technology, we are sharing EVERYTHING. And people may or may not be telling the truth. People take photos of these projects they have allegedly completed, and we all think they are mother of the year.

Hippity hop onto Pinterest fails.

Hippity hop onto Pinterest fails.

These insecure, lying wenches have ruined it for all of us. They are not perfect, and if they are, they are sacrificing quality time with their children to be that way. These expectations are not real, and you do not need to live up to them. You need to be the mom who plays, shouts and loves those babies with all of your might.

You do not need to be perfect; you just need to be a mom, Pinterest fails and all.

Courage,

A Pinterest Failing Mother

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30 Comments

May 9, 2014 · 10:40 pm

30 responses to “An Open Letter to Failing Pinterest Moms

  1. From one DIY flunk-y to another – I tip my hat to you! At least you try 🙂 For gads sake, I duct taped a lampshade and was proud of myself! You’re a master in comparison!

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  2. Any blog post referencing Home Goods is a home run for me.

    This was hysterical and true. I’ve *never* done one single Pinterest craft or recipe because I KNOW I WILL FAIL. I don’t actually have to waste the effort and money to learn what I already frigging know — that I can’t do any of this shit.

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  3. This had me cracking up! I don’t even try pinterest crafts anymore!

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  4. It used to be Martha Stewart, then “Real Simple” with their ridiculously non-simple suggestions, and now it’s Pinterest. The kids’ crafts sucker me in, then when the invisible writing never becomes visible, or the calming glitter jar is just a big gloopy soup bottle, I remember…oh yeah, Pinterest. Pfft.

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  5. I love you. That’s all. I just love you,

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  6. Hip hip hooray, caloo calay, P&M has saved the day! woot woot 🙂 I have never even set a virtual foot in Pinterest land – I have enough fun stuff to do here, like unplugging sewers, painting walls, scraping dog hair off the carpet and explaining to my sons that dirty underwear on the floor does not classify as modern art. I have never been a Febreze Fairy, or Wondeure Woomane (the French Pinteresting, organic cake-baking, Free-trade coffee-drinking equivalent of Martha Stewart and her chums). Big nuggs to you, you sparkly bundle of fun.

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    • Thanks! It sounds like you’re more productive than I am around the house; I should probably engage in some of that fun and finally get the dirt off my floorboards.

      BTW, the underwear art installation sounds pretty interesting 🙂

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  7. Ahh, Pinterest Fails. I totally get it. More art than instruction, I suppose….

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  8. I was cracking up laughing so hard that my husband, who was pooping, ask me what I was laughing at and I just had to run into the bathroom and show him the bunny rolls. We make cakes in our house that look like the bunny rolls. Nothing like the pictures. But we don’t give a crap. We have a good time with it. See what I did with that there. Crap. Poop. That’s about as artsy as I get.

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  9. I agree with you wholeheartedly. Yet I use pinterest to promote crafts on my blog. SHE SPEAKS FROM TWO SIDES OF HER MOUTH. But I try soooo hard to make crafts idiot proof (cause I’m an idiot) AND just to be sure that everyone knows that I’m terribly incapable I post craft fails on my blog. Also, I am candid about things being staged. People say it might be unprofessional to do so, but hey, I know what it’s like to be on the other end of a pinterest craft ready to throw the craft AND computer out the window while screaming WHYYYYYYY!!??? in a plaid/t-shirt project that is not large enough to cover the essentials because I cut away too much fabric. I’ll keep your post handy, just to remind me of what I DO NOT want to do. And you’re right. The spoon craft? Too much. All I see are plastic spoon splinters flying across my living room as I attempt it. DANGER!

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  10. Kristi Campbell - findingninee

    Love that you put photos up of your bunny things pinterest fail. I’ve never ever ever been able to do them – except the raw cheese one on crackers that looks like mice, except I did them the night before and the crackers were all soggy by the next day. Forget those Pinterest moms. They’re lying, and great post. Thanks for linking up with us for the Dear Mom post! Close enough 😉

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  11. Oh no, you made me cry…1, from laughing 2, for all my failed crafting attempts and 3, for all my future attempts which I know will be futile before I even start. Great post

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  12. Liz

    I’d follow you into battle, just as long as I don’t need to sew my own uniform or anything like that. I am allergic to craftiness. Lucky I can sew a button. Cake mixes from a box. The end.

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  13. Ha ha! Too funny! And soooo true! i have Pinterest dreams. And I have real life. Pinetrest ruins real life – ha ha ha!

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  14. This was toooooo funny! I love it! I am crafty and even I cannot do half the crap posted these days! (I am NOT on pinterest because I just can’t handle another social media obsession in my life at this time!) I really laughed at that “fail” picture of the bunny rolls! Who even comes UP with this crap?! Thanks for sharing this today on my blog share post!

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  15. Bwahaha! You hit the nail on the head with this post! I am on Pinterest but I haven’t really pinned A-NY-THING! I don’t have time for it first of all & I don’t need anything else to be depressed about when my crafts turn out like the bunnies. That was too funny!

    Thanks for sharing with “Sundays Are The Blog-diggity.”
    Please come back Sunday to share more with us! =)

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  16. All so fabulously true!

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  17. Hilarious and so true! Seriously, who could wear their husband’s shirt like that anyway? And don’t get me started on the tie dye cake I tried to make off of Pinterest. My kids can’t go to college after all the money I spent on Betty Crocker mixes one weekend…

    Like

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