The Three Hole Punch

For as long as I possibly could, I avoided any discussion of the birds and bees with my kids. The thought of having to explain babies, how they got in there, and the horror of how they get out, made me want to grab a gin and tonic and fan myself furiously.

Hole punch

Not an accurate representation of the female anatomy.

I had been fairly lucky and so far have only had to tell the kids that babies came from a cabbage patch by the power of Jesus. Okay, maybe not the cabbage patch part, but really, I think kids would be more likely to believe that vegetables bring babies than what really happens.

Kids: It comes from where? And it got there how? (psychologically scarring thoughts ensue)
Me: Vegetables. Just think of the vegetables.

Then, one awful night, my world came crashing down around my ears. It all started innocently enough, with a bedtime story about some secret agents sent to heal my son’s stomach ache. When they reached his stomach, my daughter pipes up with, “And I came out of your tummy! They cut you open and I came out.”

I tried to casually explain that I did not have her cut out of my stomach, but that she had been born naturally.

“How did I come out?” she asks innocently.

“Doctors helped you come out,” I replied as vaguely as possible.

“But, HOW?” she persists.

There was no way out of this. She would hound me until I gave in. I could avoid her, but I know she would sneak up on me when I was weakest, and ask, “How did I get out of your body?”

I made a daring decision, to tell them the truth. Most of it anyway.

Me: Okay, guys. There are three holes.
Kids: <Giggling already>
Me: There’s the pee hole and the poop hole.
Kids: <Laughing uncontrollably> Mommy said pee hole! And poop hole! <snicker, snort>
Me: And that’s where boys end. They just have the two holes.
Girl: You have two holes!
Me: Girls have three holes. The pee hole, the poop hole, and the baby hole.
Boy: Wait. Where’s the baby hole?
Me: It’s between the pee hole and the poop hole.
Girl: You pooped me out of your butt hole?
Me: No. You came out of the baby hole. There’s the bladder, which connects to the pee hole, your colon which connects to the poop hole…

Then I start thinking to myself… I really need to study anatomy. Is that even right?

Me (continuing): …and the uterus leads to the baby hole.
Girl: What’s a uterus?
Me: Oh, Lord. Okay, it’s where the baby lives until it’s time to come out.
Boy: <snickering> You have a uterus! <snort>
Girl: Three holes! What?!
Me: Yes. Boys have two, girls have three.
Boy: Ha! I only have two!
Girl: But mommy had me and that’s why she has the jelly now.

The jelly is what The Girl calls my period. She thinks it’s because I gave birth. I am not ready to open that can of worms yet.

I stopped there, and tried to steer us all back to the story. Finally, the laughing subsided and I wrapped up the tale of the secret agents. But, obviously the big tale of the night was that of the three holes. I only hope it wasn’t nearly as scarring to them as it was to me.

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24 Comments

Filed under Partying with the Ponies

24 responses to “The Three Hole Punch

  1. Jesus Christ, three holes??? I think you may have just scarred ME for life! Lol. Your poor daughter is no doubt looking feverishly for this third hole and wondering what’s wrong with her body. I don’t think our 11 year old ever inquired about where babies came from, so we got off easy. I think she’s mature enough now that if she’d ask, we could tell her the truth. Mommy and daddies get hammered drunk and do regretful things naked, etc. etc. with those three holes.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. LMAO. This was priceless. I just had this “3 Hole” conversation with my son last week. Boys shock so easily.

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  3. I live in fear of the day I have to enter this conversation with my son. Terror, really.

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  4. HAHAHAHA…this is hysterical.

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  5. This was one of the best “birds and the bees” conversations I have ever read!! 3 holes! I have never thought about it and now the imagery is seared into my brain!! 🙂

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  6. Liz

    “That’s why she has the jelly now.” I died! And the photo was perfect.

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  7. GOT ME BEAT!! I just let my daughter watch Hall Pass, asked her at the end if she had any questions….she had ONE….why do all the guys laugh at my friend when she wears a Route 69 t-shirt….. Open THAT can of worms!!

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  8. Since I had C-sections, all my kids really were cut out of me. But I know I’m still going to have to have this conversation with them. *sigh*

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  9. OMG, three holes! Hilarious. Very unique approach to “The Talk.” Luckily my kids’ health class does the work for me and I just confirm their findings.

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  10. This made me snort (with laughter). I had never heard the term, “The Jelly” before. I may never eat jam and toast again (ha).

    I wanted to share this funny moment. A few months ago my six-year old son and I were watching a wedding on TV. As the ceremony ended, he turned to me and said, “They’re going to have sex now.” WHAAAAAT?!? I was speechless. I finally asked him, “Do you even know what that means?” He said, “It’s when you get naked in bed and kiss”. Whew. Yes, I told him– you are exactly right. So far he hasn’t brought up the issue again and neither have I. Let him think this as long as he can…

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  11. Hahaha. The fun begins! Mine always catch me off guard and I swear I’ll do better next time. And then they get me again, before coffee, and I fail to live up to my vision of having Dr. Ruth-like skills…

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  12. HA! I’ve never heard it explained quite like that before! Hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I like your description much better. I just told my girls I pushed them out like poop. They shrugged and said they’re never having babies.

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  14. Becky

    I took the plunge after my sister had a baby, my then 7 year old and 6 year old asked, so I told. I told about periods and penis’ vaginas and pubic hair and sperm and penis entering vagina and sperm meeting eggs and labour and breastfeeding (I was very adult and very serious, and very dying inside!!!). And out of that LONG cringe worthy experience one thing stuck in my son’s mind ‘are you actually telling me that..I….came out of THERE’ he screeched. Pointing at my lady garden 😕

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