Getting Rubbed the Wrong Way

Once a year, my husband I take a weekend to ourselves. No kids. No work. Nothing but the two of us in a cabin, relaxing in a hot tub. It’s heaven on Earth.

This time, my husband decided we should have a couples massage. I was a little ambivalent about this. As a longtime lover of massages, I am picky about who rubs my body. I have also been spoiled by a magnificent masseuse, whom I also call a friend, who can work out a knot from across the room.

Seriously. She does this thing with my wrist that hurts like hell and then releases my tension. I would marry her if we weren’t committed to other people.

So massage day arrives, and I can’t help but compare her to my longtime love. I mean, regular massage therapist.

Ambiance

Massages are supposed to be relaxing. You lie in a darkened room, listen to Enya and get lulled to sleep by the smell of lavender. You should not lie in a sunlight living room with Zamfir and his pan flutes playing in the background. Zamfir, shut your flute hole.

Just say no to Zamfir!

Just say no to Zamfir!

Conversation

I like chatting with M, my favorite rubber-downer. We talk about her family, my family, and when it’s time to relax, she knows when to take a moment of silence. This bag of personality said nothing. Oh, wait. I think she asked if there was anything she needed to work on. Then, it was nothing. I could hear crickets chirping.

It’s hard to relax when you feel like you should say something. Anything. Weather? Nope. It’s cold as balls. There’s nothing exciting there. Hobbies? Kids?

Radio silence.

Well, alrighty then.

Well, alrighty then.

Working things out

When I finally decide to shut up and enjoy the massage, I can’t. She rubbed my neck and somehow she found every hair along my neckline and tugged on it. I know I am a hairy beast, but shouldn’t she know how to avoid my errant wisps?

And when I say I like a little pressure to work out the tension I am carrying in my shoulders, please do not press all of your weight on my body and grind your elbow into my spine.

I feel you, man. My back hurts too.

I feel you, man. My back hurts too.

Self-consciousness

Did I mention, I am a little on the fuzzy side? Well, somehow I didn’t think about shaving or doing my toes before the magical massage. So, as she starts in on my calves, all I can think is, “Oh, dear Lord, she probably thinks I am the missing link. Sasquatch’s cousin has come out of the woods for a weekend in the hot tub….. Is she going to massage my feet? I am so glad I showered…. When was the last time I had a pedicure? I can’t remember…. Yup. That’s my callous. I really need to sand that down. I might scratch The Hubs in the middle of the night….”

I am a furry, relaxed kitten

I am a furry, relaxed kitten

This goes on and on until she FINALLY moves along to another part of my body.

I did doze off, which was nice, but then I felt really self conscious about the drool that pooled around my mouth. I can only hope that she didn’t notice. Even if she did, I am OK with that, because the rest of my weekend was spend in a hot tub with my husband.

I did not fart in the hot tub

I did not fart in the hot tub

It’s love. True love.

I went a little GIF happy with this. They all came from giphy.com.

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14 Comments

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14 responses to “Getting Rubbed the Wrong Way

  1. … and this is why I stick with my long time masseuse 🙂

    Very funny … I wish I didn’t relate to all of it, especially the furry legs 😉

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  2. HAHAHA..and I LOVE the gifs. Daryl AND the Doctor? Perfect.

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  3. I find it hard to even talk when someone is pushing on my spine so hard it’s coming through my breast bone. Hairy legs. Thanks for reminding me I need to shave. The air is blowing through them as I type. 😉 I related to this totally. Thanks for the smile this morning!

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  4. I keep trying to talk Mr. Foxy into a couples massage, but he only wants me to rub him down. And he offers to rub me down too–but I always refuse. I think we have different expectations of a happy ending.

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  5. This is the most magnificent use of GIFs I’ve yet seen!

    I like pressure as well, but not when it’s so intense I can’t help feeling the masseuse has a grudge against me.

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  6. “Shut your flute hole” Love that. That’s classic! I’m a regular massage-ee, but my husband and I have yet to venture into couples massage territory. Maybe one day. And thank you for the GIF of my favorite Walking Dead Redneck Daryl. 😉

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  7. Liz

    LOL, that was a gif bonanza. I will probably never get a massage. Just can’t stand being touched.

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  8. Nostrikethat

    I go to a local vietnamese barber shop not because they’re particularly skilled, but because at the end the nice lady rubs my shoulders for 45 seconds or so. So yeah, I’ll take strangers rubbing my shoulders for 200, Alex!

    Like

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