Tag Archives: ants

Woman on the Warpath

My enemies have invaded every corner of my home, and I vow to seek each and every one out and destroy them. I’ll do it with my bare hands if I have to.

What has driven me to murder, you might ask? Picnic ants. Those vile arthropods.

picnic ant

I will smite thee!

Every year, summer brings a horde of tiny ants into my home. I vanquish them with defensive spray around the outside of my domicile and that’s the end of it.

This year was different. The ants were obviously shot with gamma radiation over the winter and turned into Hulk ants.

Ant traps couldn’t stop them. They laughed at the traps and did the electric slide on them. When I sprayed them with Lysol, they rolled in the liquid and wore it as cologne. Then those clean smelling bastards crawled through my dishwasher, so I washed them away like my sins. They walked across my counter and I crushed them with a paper towel, twisting them into nothing more than tiny thoraxes and legs.

I still failed. They found the honey stains on my countertops, glasses of milk I left out, and horror of all horrors; they ruined the jelly doughnuts my mother bought for the family.

My campaign intensified, and I tried to sneak up on the ants to murder them. I also left some of their corpses on the counter to send a message to the other ants that they were not welcome. Finally, I dressed up as one of them in order to follow them back to their colony and annihilate them in their own home.

Okay, that last part was a lie, but I did consider it.

Then, they performed the ultimate humiliation. I opened my cupboard, and I heard them. There were so many of them running over the lollipops I keep in there, they crinkled the wrappers. I even saw one of their heads pop out from within the lollipop.

THEY WERE ON MY LOLLIPOPS! I BRIBE MY KIDS WITH THOSE!

Anger welled up inside me, and I completely lost my shit. The lollipops were thrown out (you owe me ant colony!) and I grabbed the Lysol. There was none left. I almost lit a match to burn the pests out. I thought better of it and grabbed the Glade air freshener instead. I sprayed the cupboard, focusing on the ants. They coughed, sputtered, and threw all six legs up in the air. They couldn’t survive the lavender goodness of Glade. Muwahahaha! Victory was mine at last!

You may say I overreacted, but I say I took down an enemy that was threatening my home, my family, and my lollipops. And if they decide to return, I’ll be ready with some Glade and a paper towel.

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