Woman on the Warpath

My enemies have invaded every corner of my home, and I vow to seek each and every one out and destroy them. I’ll do it with my bare hands if I have to.

What has driven me to murder, you might ask? Picnic ants. Those vile arthropods.

picnic ant

I will smite thee!

Every year, summer brings a horde of tiny ants into my home. I vanquish them with defensive spray around the outside of my domicile and that’s the end of it.

This year was different. The ants were obviously shot with gamma radiation over the winter and turned into Hulk ants.

Ant traps couldn’t stop them. They laughed at the traps and did the electric slide on them. When I sprayed them with Lysol, they rolled in the liquid and wore it as cologne. Then those clean smelling bastards crawled through my dishwasher, so I washed them away like my sins. They walked across my counter and I crushed them with a paper towel, twisting them into nothing more than tiny thoraxes and legs.

I still failed. They found the honey stains on my countertops, glasses of milk I left out, and horror of all horrors; they ruined the jelly doughnuts my mother bought for the family.

My campaign intensified, and I tried to sneak up on the ants to murder them. I also left some of their corpses on the counter to send a message to the other ants that they were not welcome. Finally, I dressed up as one of them in order to follow them back to their colony and annihilate them in their own home.

Okay, that last part was a lie, but I did consider it.

Then, they performed the ultimate humiliation. I opened my cupboard, and I heard them. There were so many of them running over the lollipops I keep in there, they crinkled the wrappers. I even saw one of their heads pop out from within the lollipop.


Anger welled up inside me, and I completely lost my shit. The lollipops were thrown out (you owe me ant colony!) and I grabbed the Lysol. There was none left. I almost lit a match to burn the pests out. I thought better of it and grabbed the Glade air freshener instead. I sprayed the cupboard, focusing on the ants. They coughed, sputtered, and threw all six legs up in the air. They couldn’t survive the lavender goodness of Glade. Muwahahaha! Victory was mine at last!

You may say I overreacted, but I say I took down an enemy that was threatening my home, my family, and my lollipops. And if they decide to return, I’ll be ready with some Glade and a paper towel.


Filed under Martini Madness

19 responses to “Woman on the Warpath

  1. Oh..I feel your pain. I will tell you how I got rid of mine. Diatomaceous earth. It’s non-toxic and it dries the ants up and kills them dead. You can get it fron Amazon.

    Good luck and stay strong.


  2. Defend your home and family with all necessary force against the invading horde. While I believe the world is a big enough place for all, I draw lines at my personal space. Spiders, ants, and other insects beware!!


  3. *shudder* I really feel your pain. I’m like that with spiders!! xx


  4. Windex . Windex kills the little SOB’s. I hate those things!


  5. Ants are jerks. They ruined a jelly donut? For that ALONE they deserve to die. Donuts are sacred. We have rats (not in the house–in our CARS). Rats are also jerks. d-Con rat poison takes care of them. Goodbye, you nasty little bastards who are pooping in my car engine. I’d say rest in peace, but I wouldn’t mean it.


  6. Ariel Bernstein

    Ugh, those things are relentless! We even had to spray our trees outside near the house where they were setting up little colonies. I hope the ones by you stay away for good!


    • Me too! I spotted a few near the trash today, so my loving husband is going to pick up some around the house ant killer tomorrow. He probably just wants me to stop complaining about them. 🙂


  7. I feel your pain! GLADE. Awesome news! They are in love with the ant traps I set out for them. What a joke those things are.


  8. Ugh – now I am all itchy. We have ants on and off, but so far it’s only been the tiny kind that I can smoosh with my finger. I have to catch them when they are on the light backsplash, because once they make it to the granite counter top they disappear into the pattern. A good rain usually wipes them out, but they find their way back.


  9. Sarah (est. 1975)

    Yep. Windex. Or Windex wipes. Wipe all around every door and window inside. Then spray your normal spray outside. Hopefully that will cut down on how many are indoors.

    Unless… the NEST is indoors. Which happened to my neighbor.

    Have a great daaaaaaay BYeeeeeeeeeeeeee *walks away whistling*


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