Goldfish, Cleanses, and One Popular Pony

Goldfish, Cleanses, and a Popular Pony | Ponies and Martinis

Hello, friends! I come with glad tidings; I am featured on not one, but TWO fantastic websites today. I don’t know who I owe a handjob to for this tremendous honor, but I will do my best to not find out because I am not an enthusiastic dick wrangler.

And with that bit of TMI, let’s get to the previews, shall we?

First up is a piece I wrote for BLUNTmoms, called A Hate Letter to a Cleanse. Yup. It’s about how I went on a cleanse and suffered the most embarrassing moment of my life. Feel free to laugh at me; I do it all the time.


Over the years, I have tried many different diets, and exercise regimes… whatever I thought might make me thin or healthy (or both). One of the most memorable was the time I tried a 10-day cleanse–not only because I couldn’t have a glass of wine for 10 days, but because it resulted in mind-blowing embarrassment.

To give you a little context, a cleanse requires eating clean, or not eating anything you can’t pronounce, taking a variety of supplements that expel the toxins in your body, and probiotics to restore what has been flushed out.

It’s as awesome as it sounds.

Read the rest on BLUNTmoms.

Second, I am featured for the first time on Crayons and Collars, a great site for families juggling pets and kids. My story is called What Happens When Kids Pet the Fish, Or Why Carnivals Are Evil. This not a how-to for goldfish, so please do not do as I do, or, more precisely, as my kids do.


When I took my kids to the school carnival, I didn’t think anything bad would happen. We had been in years past, and it had always been the same; eat a hot dog, win horribly cheap prizes, and come home with face paint that’s impossible to scrub off.

This year was different. This year, there were goldfish.

All I can say is, “Poor Fishy.”

Check it out, and as always, enjoy, share, and then share again.


Filed under Martini Madness

7 responses to “Goldfish, Cleanses, and One Popular Pony

  1. This is too funny. I say this, because just today I posted The Betta Fish, the Sugar, the Fevers, which is about a betta fish who dies, my kids all being sick with high fevers and (wait for it…) how all my friends are doing a cleanse (which I can’t quite manage.) I’m afraid we are living parallel lives… although I crammed mine into one awkward post (because life is actually that awkward) and yours is spread into two adorable posts. Looking forward to checking them out! Now get out of my brain!


  2. Yahoo! Can’t wait to read them BOTH! I hate cleanses too. They give me the burps, make me dizzy and basically eff with my happiness.


  3. Hahaha….loved the goldfish article. I made the mistake of going to get a funnel cake (wait, I wrote that wrong, funnel cakes are never a mistake) and left my pet loving husband with my boys. When I came back, there was a hermit crab in one hand and a goldfish in the other. Shockingly they are still alive.


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