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December 13, 2014 · 10:21 pm

My Dog Ate My Daughter’s Poop

The Offending Canine

Weekends. They are a time to live the good life by enjoying exploits at the Home Depot and making tough decisions like what toppings to get on the pizza.

They are not a time for fecal follies.

Once my kids left the explosive diarrhea and sodden diaper phase of their life, I thought I had most toilet traumas behind me. While it’s true that I cannot go a day without flushing the evacuations of my daughter’s bladder, my days are otherwise free of bodily fluids.

I was getting too soft with this cozy situation and my daughter could sense my weakness, sniffing it out with the precision of a lioness hunting a gazelle.

She went in for the kill this weekend.

I was heading into the living room when I saw the entryway was blocked off by two boxes, with my daughter on one side and the dogs on the other.

Me: So… what’s with the boxes?

The Girl (pointing to the couch): My poop fell out and Sparkles ate it.

Me: Wait. You pooped on the couch? And Sparkles are your poop?

The Girl (laughing hysterically): No! I didn’t poop on the couch!

Me: Sparkles pooped on the couch? And ate it?

Girl: No! Poop fell out of my butt, I stepped on it, and when I wiped it off, Sparkles ate it.

Me: On the couch?

Girl: Mooooom! You’re not listening.

Right. Because it’s so very clear what has happened.

Girl: I was pooping, IN THE BATHROOM…

She throws an exaggerated eye roll in my direction, and continues.

Girl: … and I didn’t want anyone to see me. So, I waddled over to shut the door and my poop fell out.

Me: You were walking around with your pants down? And poop in your butt? Why?

Girl: I didn’t want anyone to see me!

Of course. Makes sense.

Girl: The poop fell out, and I stepped in it.

I realize as she’s talking, that her feet are resting on the coffee table. The same feet that have stepped in her own waste. I am willing to bet her tootsies were not washed after she pranced in the poop. Therefore, my coffee table is now enveloped by fecal matter.

Girl: I wiped the poop off my foot…

Wiped? Did she wash her hands afterward? Probably not. Ugh. What has she touched?

Girl: … and then Sparkles ran in…. AND ATE IT! IT’S SO GROSS! UGH! She can’t be here if she’s eating poop!

I tuned out her continuing narrative, and began a mental triage of the situation.

I need to clean her feet, the coffee table, the path from the bathroom to the table, every surface everywhere. Oh, hell. I’m going to burn the house down and start over. I’ll never be rid of the poop.

Half a tub of clorox wipes later, I was no longer crawling out of my skin, trying to escape an all-encompassing feculence. I also gave Sparkles more than a few snacks to clean the crap out of her teeth. I really couldn’t even look at her until I had. It was too disgusting.

Moral of the story my friends: Never poop without shutting the door first, and if you have to get up, make sure there is no poop in your butt or a dog will swoop in and eat it.

Good talk.

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Filed under Partying with the Ponies

Tagged as christmas, dogs, kids, poop

June 10, 2014 · 8:00 pm

You Want My Kids to Play With What?

I always keep my eyes open for new games or toys for the kids, and I have noticed a disturbing trend in what’s out there. Apparently, toy and game makers want my kids to play with poop.

Yes, poop. That disgusting, foul, corn-laden beast that haunts parents everywhere.

Here’s a sample of what I found:

1. Have Barbie pick up her dog’s poop. You feed the dog biscuits and it poops out brown tic tacs. I can barely get the kids to feed the dogs let alone clean up after them. With my luck it wouldn’t make my kids scoop poop, it would lead them to believe poop is like a tic tac and they’d eat it.

Barbie, Taffy, and her turds. The dog’s. Not Barbie’s.

2. Laughing Japanese Poop. It’s poop that laughs and dances. Since when does poop have a face? And when does that appear? Is there a giant piece of poo smiling away in my body right now? It’s just creepy.

3. Doggie Doo. The point of the game is to feed the dog, listen to it fart and then after it poops, you clean it up. And apparently, what comes out is runny, stinky, putty. Yes! Let’s all play with poop. And then we can rub it all over the walls and revel in the poopiness of it all.

See the yellow poop? Not only is the dog pooping, but it’s also diseased.

4. Dogs and cats can get in on this too, because who says humans should have all the fun? For our furry little friends there are toys for them shaped like poop. My dogs already eat an obscene amount of poop; theirs, the cat’s, random poo outside. Do I really want to train them to think of poop as a toy? They’ll start chewing it on the couch and asking me to throw it for them. No thank you.

Poop toys. For dogs. Ugh.

5. Poopsy pets, the one toy in the mix that purports to be an educational one. It comes with a girl and her pet unicorn. You shove poop into the unicorn’s gullet and then sparkly, twinkly turds pop out the back. Does the education come from teaching kids that unicorns are real, or that poop comes out as a rainbow? Because, I don’t find either to be particularly true. Unless it’s the dogs’ poop after they eat a box of crayons. That stuff is rainbow-riffic.

The small balls are sparkly, unicorn poop. Fun!

6. A squishy poop toy. Having a bad day? Angry at your boss? Squeeze the shit out of your stress, literally. Yes, nothing relaxes me more than having a giant turd in my hand. It’s why I love changing diapers and wiping my kids’ butts. Oh, wait. Poop makes me gag. I have no urge to squeeze it. Does anyone?

Relieve your stress with this playful poop.

7. Plushy poop and toilet paper. Yes, let’s give our poop a hug. It’s so naturally cuddly. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before. Poop as plush. It just makes sense.

So sweet! Just like poop was meant to be!

Sadly, I found other varieties of poop. Honestly, what does it say about our society that people buy these things? Are we getting dumber every day? Or, am I giving too much of a shit about shit? It’s a question for the ages, really.