Tag Archives: Barbie

Kid Crap I Actually Like

There are a lot of things I don’t miss about being a kid, and things I suffer through now just for the kids. Digimon, Seek & Find books, games where I have to pretend to be a plastic pony spring to mind. But, some stuff meant for kidlets… I actually enjoy.

Playing Barbies. Barbie has some serious swag. The impossible shoes, fashion forward outfits, multiple careers. I don’t want to be Barbie; some of her incarnations are tramp-tastic; I just want the stuff. Her dream house is my dream house. That closet that goes on for miles, an Olympic-sized pool, a horse to ride at any time. It’s Kardashian-esque, but not nearly as x-rated.

Fairies. I hated the portrayal of Tinker Bell in Peter Pan. The short skirt and bitchy attitude just made me mad. So, when the first fairy movie came out, I was less than thrilled. Her leaves left little to the imagination. Why were the other fairies covered up and not her? Is it impossible to add an extra layer of ivy? Of course, my daughter watched it and loved it. Then I watched it and loved it. Tink is an engineer! There is friendship and of that warm and fuzzy crap! Eventually she did get some more leaves, thank goodness. I don’t like my smart, engineer fairies too skanky.

Magic shell. Turns any bowl of ice cream into a Klondike bar. Throw in some caramel, and it’s orgasmic.

Disney World. The princesses! The rides! The sheer magic of it all. Watching my kids having fun, means I have fun too. Plus, did you know that there are many pools where you can sit on the sidelines and drink margaritas? Seriously. The pool is fenced in, the water is shallow and a bar is nearby. That mouse is super fantastic and awesome.

Forts. Take sheets, pillows, chairs and an engineer of a husband, and you get paradise. I don’t fit in them very well since I am not three apples high anymore, but there is something so magical about creating your own little world. The kids love to watch movies and eat popcorn in their fort. For me, it’s a perfect place to hide. Take a glass of wine, go into the fort, and no one knows I am there. There is no screaming or crying in my fort; just blessed silence.

Dilly dallying. When I finally let go, which isn’t very often, I love looking at the world around me. Rabbits, leaves, all that outdoorsy shit. The kids do too. A hike that would take most people a half hour takes us at least twice that, because we’re making dirt mounds, examining fallen trees, and play guessing games with the clouds. I bond with the kids, and I don’t have to put much effort into hiking. It’s a win all over, really.

Giggle & snuggle fests. The kids crawl into my bed on a Sunday morning, and we cuddle up, laugh, and act unbelievably lazy before finally getting up for the day. It’s special and magical and I love it. I also love not having to get out of bed for an extended period of time on the weekends. If only I could convince my husband to get me coffee and a bowl of cereal, it would be perfect.

It’s cathartic to share my secret with all of you. Don’t you dare tell anyone, or else I won’t give you a bowl of ice cream with magic shell. It’s perfect when it’s paired with pinot grigio in a tent.


Filed under Partying with the Ponies

You Want My Kids to Play With What?

I always keep my eyes open for new games or toys for the kids, and I have noticed a disturbing trend in what’s out there. Apparently, toy and game makers want my kids to play with poop.

Yes, poop. That disgusting, foul, corn-laden beast that haunts parents everywhere.

Here’s a sample of what I found:

1. Have Barbie pick up her dog’s poop. You feed the dog biscuits and it poops out brown tic tacs. I can barely get the kids to feed the dogs let alone clean up after them. With my luck it wouldn’t make my kids scoop poop, it would lead them to believe poop is like a tic tac and they’d eat it.

Barbie and Taffy

Barbie, Taffy, and her turds. The dog’s. Not Barbie’s.

2. Laughing Japanese Poop. It’s poop that laughs and dances. Since when does poop have a face? And when does that appear? Is there a giant piece of poo smiling away in my body right now? It’s just creepy.

3. Doggie Doo. The point of the game is to feed the dog, listen to it fart and then after it poops, you clean it up. And apparently, what comes out is runny, stinky, putty. Yes! Let’s all play with poop. And then we can rub it all over the walls and revel in the poopiness of it all.

See the yellow poop? Not only is the dog pooping, but it's also diseased.

See the yellow poop? Not only is the dog pooping, but it’s also diseased.

4. Dogs and cats can get in on this too, because who says humans should have all the fun? For our furry little friends there are toys for them shaped like poop. My dogs already eat an obscene amount of poop; theirs, the cat’s, random poo outside. Do I really want to train them to think of poop as a toy? They’ll start chewing it on the couch and asking me to throw it for them. No thank you.

Poop toys. For dogs. Ugh.

Poop toys. For dogs. Ugh.

5. Poopsy pets, the one toy in the mix that purports to be an educational one. It comes with a girl and her pet unicorn. You shove poop into the unicorn’s gullet and then sparkly, twinkly turds pop out the back. Does the education come from teaching kids that unicorns are real, or that poop comes out as a rainbow? Because, I don’t find either to be particularly true. Unless it’s the dogs’ poop after they eat a box of crayons. That stuff is rainbow-riffic.

The small balls are sparkly, unicorn poop. Fun!

The small balls are sparkly, unicorn poop. Fun!

6. A squishy poop toy. Having a bad day? Angry at your boss? Squeeze the shit out of your stress, literally. Yes, nothing relaxes me more than having a giant turd in my hand. It’s why I love changing diapers and wiping my kids’ butts. Oh, wait. Poop makes me gag. I have no urge to squeeze it. Does anyone?

Relieve your stress with this playful poop.

Relieve your stress with this playful poop.

7. Plushy poop and toilet paper. Yes, let’s give our poop a hug. It’s so naturally cuddly. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before. Poop as plush. It just makes sense.

So sweet! Just like poop was meant to be!

So sweet! Just like poop was meant to be!

Sadly, I found other varieties of poop. Honestly, what does it say about our society that people buy these things? Are we getting dumber every day? Or, am I giving too much of a shit about shit? It’s a question for the ages, really.


Filed under Partying with the Ponies